Order of Wishes
by Prince Mewstar
Summary: Vulnerable. Lelouch was always asserting his authority, demanding power and respect. But with a select few, those who knew the real him, Lelouch found himself begging for a chance to be vulnerable. To be himself: a boy barely reaching adulthood, a kid who went to bed dirty with his clothes still on.


**Canon Universe AU somewhere mid R2, Turn 22. Spoiler warning for the Season 2 finale as well!  
Also mild warning for borderline adult content, but nothing expressively adult. Warning anyway.**

**Order of Wishes**

* * *

The bed creaked beneath Emperor Lelouch vi Britannia as he laid back, his dark bangs falling across his face. He sighed and swiped at them, scratching where they had tickled his skin. Lelouch knew he shouldn't be in bed in his formal wear, breathing in the lingering scent of gunpowder on his robes.

But he honestly didn't care.

Assassination attempts were commonplace when one was the enemy of the world.

"Suzaku …" Lelouch murmured.

"Your Majesty?"

Lelouch turned his head, catching the familiar sight of his Knight of Zero outside his bedroom door. Lelouch had not bothered to close it.

Sir Suzaku Kururugi stood tall in his black regalia, those sincere green eyes of his narrowing in concern. Even after fighting off a group of rebels who'd managed to infiltrate the palace with a bomb, even after protecting Lelouch from the crossfire, _even after_ agreeing to watch as the rebels were executed, Suzaku kept that same determination. That same foolish conviction Lelouch both admired and mourned.

_My best friend, my greatest nemesis, my last victim._

"Is something the matter, Your Majesty?"

"I'm exhausted." Lelouch sighed again, stretching himself out for good measure. He smirked when Suzaku glanced away, embarrassed to catch him like that.

Vulnerable. Lelouch was always asserting his authority, demanding power and respect. But with a select few, those who knew the real him, those who were willing to walk Lelouch to his death, Lelouch found himself begging for a chance to be vulnerable. To be himself: a boy barely reaching adulthood, a kid who went to bed dirty with his clothes still on.

Suzaku did not turn to look at Lelouch, though Suzaku's poised posture slumped. He was unscathed, but there was dust in his brown hair and a jumpiness to his movements. Of course Suzaku chose to check on Lelouch over caring for himself like he'd been told.

_You're as important as I am to the plan._ But Lelouch couldn't say he wasn't pleased to see his friend.

"There is no longer a foreseeable danger in the palace, nor anywhere near Pendragon," Suzaku said. "You should be able to rest easy for the night while our scouts patrol the area. We should be cleared until tomorrow when we'll board for our meeting with the UFN."

"Death-by-exhaustion is definitely a danger, if not a foreseeable one." Lelouch imagined Suzaku slightly pressing his lips together as he held in a grimace.

Sure enough, it was that same face that greeted him when Suzaku turned around.

"Is there something I can do for you?" Suzaku asked.

"Come inside and speak to me properly."

His knight hesitated at the entrance of Lelouch's chambers. But Suzaku cast one last look down the empty hall, stepped in, and shut the door.

Lelouch sat up, leaning against the pillows. "Zero Requiem has just walked through the door."

"Please don't joke about your own death like that." Suzaku stayed where he was. His gaze traveled through Lelouch, fixed to nothing.

_Why must it be like this? _Lelouch grew weary to see him so close, finally by his side, yet mentally miles away. "I'm touched. I thought you would look forward to my unholy demise."

"Your wellbeing is integral to the Zero Requiem. I am to serve you until the end, as is my duty as your knight."

It was no good. Suzaku was closing his feelings off again. Lelouch felt that dreaded professionalism he so hated slipping into himself. Even with Lelouch in bed, the door safely shut, and only a few feet between them, Suzaku was returning to his stressful existence. The intimacy Lelouch missed was nowhere to be seen.

"But what of you? Not as my knight or as my partner, but Suzaku Kururugi?" Lelouch said. "What then?"

"I … do not wish to speak out of line."

"You have my permission. You are my equal now. The doors are closed." Lelouch watched him with mild interest.

Suzaku's expression changed. It was a minute shift, but Lelouch thought he saw the flicker of recognition, a tiny shiver of pain.

"When I see you, I'm conflicted," Suzaku said. "Everything feels wrong. You say we're doing this for the good of all, but the process involves so much pain and suffering. We kill thousands, we lie to millions more, yet somehow you manage to be satisfied while I dread each passing day."

"Only we can manage this," Lelouch said. "You know it very well."

He pressed his lips into that same grimace, glancing away. "Yes."

"We must go through with the Zero Requiem," Lelouch said. "It is the only way we can save the common people from Britannia's tyranny. The sacrifices we make will shape the future for generations."

"I took up my sword for you. I will follow you until the end, Your Majesty."

Suzaku the Hypocrite. Suzaku the Hero. Suzaku, Lelouch's opposite, Lelouch's other half, Lelouch's lifeline. _Suzaku, Suzaku, Suzaku._

At least Lelouch could sense Suzaku's reluctance and take a guess at his true thoughts. But Lelouch wanted to hear them from his friend.

_It may feel wrong to you, but it feels right to me._ It was the usual dance of wills, but if Suzaku wanted to play, Lelouch didn't mind dancing for once.

"Suzaku, help me out of my robes."

As expected, Suzaku stiffened, his brows furrowing. He seemed to see Lelouch in that instant. A confused blush dusted his cheeks. "Pardon?"

"Please."

"Is that not a servant's job?" Suzaku said, although there was little resistance in his tone. Perhaps he viewed the request as an attempt to degrade him. Or maybe he thought Lelouch was ill.

Poisoned by assassins, if he was creative. Suzaku knew better than to think Lelouch had been injured.

Lelouch chuckled. More than anyone, he knew Suzaku hated leaving Lelouch's care in another's hands. Lelouch was too prideful to let servants tend to him, instead doing everything himself.

But he was also tired of the formality, the stiffness between them, the endless charade. They both deserved a short moment of self-indulgence.

_Demand something from me for once._

Lelouch ached to see the Suzaku who wasn't afraid to claim what he wanted. The Suzaku that would throw punches at a prince and smuggle food from a prime minister's cabinets. The Suzaku that would laugh until his stomach hurt and stay out past sundown telling stories to children even though he was supposed to be home. The Suzaku that would sneak out the next day just to boast about it.

Lelouch wanted to see that smile, feel that warmth flooding between them. He wanted Suzaku to be himself.

"You are my sworn servant, are you not?" Lelouch said. He smiled.

Suzaku frowned. "I am."

"Then whatever is the matter?"

Suzaku did not respond with words. His expression went blank. He came up to Lelouch's bedside, reached over, and quietly began to undo the ties in Lelouch's robes.

Lelouch shut his eyes and let Suzaku work. It wasn't what he was going for, but he enjoyed the momentary attention. Impossible as it was for Lelouch to admit he wanted Suzaku to find a way that didn't involve death, it was too late to turn back. Zero Requiem's meaning would only be conveyed to the people if Suzaku and Lelouch were willing to offer themselves as martyrs. It was their unbreakable bond that made it possible.

Cheesy, he knew.

"Is this a game to you?" Suzaku said, pausing. Lelouch's robe was undone, but there was still another layer to unbutton. Lelouch was not compelled to do it himself.

"Something like that."

Lelouch peeked open one eye, noticing the displeasure on Suzaku's face. He looked like he was about to leave, but his hands made no effort to follow.

If anything, Suzaku's grip on Lelouch tightened. He pulled off the robe, setting it on the bed. His fingers moved deftly, quickly, brushing at the skin at Lelouch's collar as he worked off his suit.

With each layer gone, Lelouch felt more himself. He didn't mind Suzaku's haste. In fact, it brought him a sort of joy.

"Done," Suzaku said.

Indeed, he was. Lelouch had nothing on but a plain shirt and his dress pants. The rest of his outfit was placed neatly on the bed.

Suzaku scowled in his knight's uniform, looking like a boy forced to do chores instead of going out to play. _You're not satisfied._

Laughter bubbled up in Lelouch's chest. He fell onto the pillows with a grin, allowing the giggles to spill out. The smell of gunpowder was gone, but dust was getting everywhere. Small clouds of rubble and ash floated into the air.

Suzaku recoiled, appearing stoic as ever. If he was expecting a thanks, he didn't demand it. "Why are you laughing?"

Lelouch laughed harder. Tears blurred his vision. He wiped them away, gasping for breath. "It — it's just that you look so serious. When we were kids, you never would have agreed to do that for me without an argument or two."

Suzaku's mouth twitched with the beginnings of a smile. "Did you want me to argue?"

_Maybe. _Lelouch sat up on his elbows. Calling Suzaku in was a good decision, albeit a selfish one. He was feeling better already. "Unless you plan on taking a bath with me, then yes, I'd rather you argued."

A second passed. Suzaku stared dumbly at Lelouch. "What?"

There was nothing weird about the offer aside from Lelouch being the emperor of Britannia. It was a normal part of Japanese culture to bathe with friends, they had done many times before. When Lelouch lived with Suzaku in Japan, they would oftentimes wash up and play in the river together.

It had been years since Lelouch had seen Suzaku so carefree. Too long.

Lelouch wanted to have one final moment of transparency with Suzaku before they had their fateful meeting with the United Federation of Nations. It would go wrong, Lelouch would become the target for the wrath of the world, and all of the pieces would be put into motion.

Everything they've worked for, all of their struggles and sacrifices would come to fruition. _A gentler world._ The place Nunnally wished for before she died would be a reality. Lelouch would join her in the afterlife.

And Suzaku … Suzaku would get the redemption he pined for. Sentenced to a life living in Lelouch's shadow, serving the people as their hero until his last breath. The day Lelouch vi Britannia died, Suzaku Kururugi would die too.

They'd disappear from their gentle world together.

But before the time came, Lelouch wished for Suzaku to live. Banish the formality and everything holding him back, to shrug off his masks and garments and become the boy he was inside.

"You heard me," Lelouch said. "Let's take a bath. We both should wash up before tomorrow and I could use the company."

Suzaku lifted his head, dust falling from his own bangs. "Your Majesty —"

"Like when we were kids." Lelouch dropped his smile. His voice softened. "You, me, Nunnally … we used to go out to the river by our childhood home. I'm sure you remember."

Suzaku relaxed, his frown returning. "Lelouch …"

_That's more like it._ "Will you take a bath with your friend, like old times?"

It was petty manipulation on Lelouch's part, but the chance was too precious to lose. Suzaku recognized this. He had not claimed his position as the most powerful knight in the world at age eighteen by being a fool.

The outcome hinged on Suzaku's desires. It was possible he would deny Lelouch to try and keep his distance. It was possible Suzaku didn't believe he himself deserved a respite from death.

Lelouch would be prepared for that, as he refused to command Suzaku to do anything outside of the battlefield. But he wasn't worried. Judging by Suzaku's character, he probably wanted it just as badly.

Friendship. Brotherly love. Unconditional compassion.

It was not something given up easily.

"Alright," Suzaku said. "Alright, Lelouch. You win. Let's take a bath."

Lelouch beamed. He stood from the bed with a flourish. "Not quite," he said, patting Suzaku on the shoulder. "I may have won, but you've won too."

* * *

Suzaku did not give Lelouch the honor of undressing him, nor did Lelouch ask him to help him with the rest of his clothes. They were respectful enough not to gawk or poke fun at each other. _At least not too much._

The palace did not only have a massive personal bathroom for the emperor, but there was a room adjacent to the bathroom with a heated Jacuzzi pool. It had seemed excessive to Lelouch when he'd captured the throne — _Who wastes that much power to heat a pool just to soak alone? _— but it would be the last night for Suzaku and Lelouch to spend together before everything changed. It was worth it.

Suzaku went first. Lelouch waited for a considerable while outside the door, making sure Suzaku had time to rinse off and get in the water. Afterwards, Lelouch entered the room and locked the door behind him.

The bathroom and the indoor pool were separated by a divisor. It was extended so that Lelouch could not see Suzaku on the other side. _For my privacy? Or his?_

"Your Majesty?" Suzaku's voice echoed off the walls, coupled with the splash of water.

Lelouch smiled, tugging off his shirt. "Your one and only."

Suzaku huffed in what sounded like amusement. Lelouch huffed in turn and tugged off his dress pants. He stacked his things next to Suzaku's clothes, although the knight's formal wear took up the majority of the shelf.

Lelouch stood on the tile in his undergarments, wrapped a towel around his lower half, then removed his final article of clothing. Lelouch would not be wearing anything in the pool for the first time in his life.

_Won't Suzaku be surprised._ It came to him that Suzaku had not asked for swimwear, but Lelouch realized that Suzaku was still trying to keep him at a distance. _He may cover up himself to spare me. _After Lelouch took a quick shower, he stepped behind the divisor.

The pool took up the majority of the room. A waterfall was set into stone near the back, along with a couple of lounging chairs and a TV. Instead of windows, the walls were lavishly adorned with paintings and picture frames. A few displayed Lelouch's mother and other members of the royal family. The largest frame was empty.

Suzaku sat turned away from Lelouch, dipping his feet in the water. As predicted, he was wearing boxers. A towel was draped over his neck.

_He looks good._ Lelouch couldn't help but notice the way Suzaku's muscles stood out, his shoulders broad and strong, his skin a healthy tan.

In comparison, Lelouch only had a handsome face to compliment him. Suzaku, on the other hand, seemed to have infinitely less reason to be ashamed of himself.

Lelouch chose not to mention Suzaku's boxers. He figured it would be more satisfying to let Suzaku come to the conclusion they weren't both wearing clothing — and truthfully Lelouch thought it would be mortifying to say it aloud. _Maybe more mortifying if Suzaku gets in the pool with those._

Technically, Lelouch _could_ have gone to get proper swimwear for them, but he wanted to be vulnerable with Suzaku. _I want him to know I'm holding nothing back. _He tested the water with a toe. It stung pleasantly.

"There are controls behind the waterfall if you want to adjust the water temperature," Lelouch said. He got up to his knees in hot water before he began taking the towel off. He had the decency to turn away from Suzaku while he did, but he imagined the onset of shock that would follow. "There's also an option for lights and Jacuzzi jets. If you want, feel free to use them."

Lelouch sunk halfway into the water and draped the towel over his neck like Suzaku had. The pool was rather hot, but his body became used to the warmth.

Suzaku said nothing. Lelouch glanced at him in curiosity. Suzaku's cheeks were bright red, his green eyes briefly meeting Lelouch's before darting away.

Lelouch hummed, chuckling.

"I — I thought you said we would do this like we were kids," Suzaku said.

"I could say the same to you," Lelouch responded.

As a child, Lelouch had always been too stuck-up to go swimming naked. Sometimes he even refused to swim if Suzaku was overly rowdy. Suzaku was the opposite. The river had been a place of freedom for him. If he wore pants, it was only because he was feeling generous to Lelouch that day. Usually, that meant Nunnally was upset and Suzaku was being respectful, but those had been rare occurrences.

_Those were the best days._

"Do you … well, do you not mind if I …?" Suzaku cleared his throat.

"You need not ask your best friend what you can and cannot do." Lelouch sat on the steps and casually crossed his legs underwater.

Suzaku looked at Lelouch resting against the edge of the pool and immediately turned away again.

Lelouch blushed, fighting the urge to cover up again. He felt extremely vulnerable exposing himself in front of Suzaku, but the goal was to entice Suzaku to do the same, not to embarrass him. _Is it too much?_

Suzaku grunted, muttering. He lifted himself up onto the ledge, standing with a shower of droplets. Lelouch watched, intrigued, as Suzaku turned the opposite way from the exit and started — _oh._

Lelouch swiftly averted his gaze as Suzaku took off his boxers. Right there. In plain view. Flushing furiously, Lelouch shifted, resisting the urge to look at him. He heard a soft thump over the splash of the waterfall, the sound of fabrics hitting the floor.

Lelouch's eyes caught a flash of movement. He instinctively looked over — just in time to see a _very _naked Suzaku cannonballing into the deeper end of the pool.

"S-suzaku!" Lelouch sputtered. The water crashed over him and splashed onto the tile, a tidal wave rippling out from where Suzaku jumped in. The pool was only three feet at its deepest, but Suzaku somehow did a roll underwater and avoided getting smacked by concrete.

Suzaku flew up a second later, water flinging off the brown curls of his hair. When his gaze caught Lelouch, Suzaku broke into a huge grin. "How was that?"

"E-entirely unexpected," Lelouch said, gaping.

Suzaku clutched at his bare chest, laughing. "You should see your face right now!"

"Wha—?" Lelouch's blush darkened.

Suzaku snickered, water dripping from his hair. _You're smiling._ Lelouch calmed, the sound of Suzaku laughing soothing his heart. Not wearing swimwear seemed to have been an _excellent_ idea — despite the hazardous wet disaster all over the floor.

Lelouch liked this. The closeness. The playfulness. He missed it.

Suzaku eventually stopped laughing. He let his hands fall into the water with a splash and Lelouch nearly looked down at Suzaku's lower body — but he caught himself before he did. _We're not children anymore._

Even as a child, Lelouch had tried not to stare. It was courtesy.

Yet he noticed the downward flicker of Suzaku's gaze. Lelouch's core tickled with awkwardness and insecurity. But it was a part of the vulnerability he was seeking to share with him, so Lelouch made no effort to turn away.

If Suzaku saw something he didn't like, Lelouch couldn't tell.

"You're really fine with this?" Suzaku asked, moving to stand beside Lelouch. He leaned against the inner wall but didn't sit on the steps.

"Yes." Lelouch listened to the crash of the waterfall, the tandem of their breaths. It was quiet for several minutes as they soaked in the warm water. A blissful peace. A truce of friends. Although Lelouch did not turn his head, he could feel Suzaku relaxing next to him.

That was until Suzaku pushed off from the wall, fingers dragging through the water in circles. He did that for a while then sighed, returning to face Lelouch. His smile was thinner than before.

"Lelouch … what is this actually about?"

"Me wanting to swim with you?" he said. "I told you, it's because I want us to be carefree together while we can."

"And the …?" Without looking, Suzaku gestured to Lelouch's legs.

"Proof," Lelouch responded, standing so they stood eye to eye, "that I'm not holding anything back." _Talk to me, Suzaku. Whatever you want from me, let me hear it._

Were those tears in Suzaku's eyes? Or water? Suzaku frowned. "I don't believe you."

"Then maybe I want you to indulge yourself for a little while," Lelouch said. "I don't like seeing you unhappy when I thought we've come to an agreement."

"Of _course_ I'm unhappy! This — the whole thing is _horrible_, no matter how much it means to anyone or that it's the best way," Suzaku said. "But that's beside the point. I meant _you_, not me. I think you're holding back."

Lelouch paused, muffling a bark of laughter. _He's right._ No matter what Lelouch did to try and trick himself, Suzaku always saw the truth before he did. Lelouch could never lie to Suzaku's face without consequence.

"I wish you weren't such a difficult person," Suzaku said. "But sometimes I like that about you."

Lelouch smirked. "Is this one of those times?"

"This is _not_ one of those times. Actually."

Lelouch bowed his head. "My apologies. By all means, Suzaku, enlighten me."

Without warning, Suzaku's hand gripped Lelouch's chin and lifted it up. Suzaku held his gaze and didn't let go. A shiver passed through Lelouch.

"You want me to stop hating Geass," Suzaku said. "You want me to be fine with ending our life together. You want me to forget that soon you'll be _dead_ and I'll have your blood on my hands."

"You have the right to hate whatever you want," Lelouch said. Suzaku's grip on his chin tightened, but Lelouch didn't pull away. "There is no one's hand I would rather die by than yours. Though it'll be a bittersweet release, I consider it a mercy."

Suzaku exhaled slowly. His breath was warm. "Lelouch. You want me to be open?" he asked. "Then I want to see the real eyes of my best friend, even if they're eyes marked by Geass. I want nothing between us."

_He wants me to take off my contacts. _Lelouch knew there was no danger of Suzaku being affected by Lelouch's Geass, but a pit of dread grew in his chest. Wouldn't the glaring reminder of Geass's effects ruin Suzaku's chance to make amends with his view of Zero Requiem? _No, the opposite._ Lelouch had hoped for a distraction, a fantasy where life was okay. But he knew Suzaku needed to confront Lelouch to understand it was fine to feel joy.

And that was much more important.

"Okay," Lelouch said.

Suzaku's hand retreated.

Lelouch unwrapped the now-damp towel from his neck and placed it on the ledge of the pool. Carefully, he removed his violet eye contacts and folded the towel over them.

Lelouch looked at Suzaku again with twin eyes made of scarlet blood and power, devoid of anything human. They were no longer the friendly purple of Lelouch's past, but a permanent representation of the curse he had taken upon himself. The Geass emblem replaced Lelouch's pupils in blazing white rings. Whenever his real eyes were in the open, it was as though Lelouch could command _anything_ to happen.

"Lelouch …" Suzaku whispered. He reached over with one hand to cup Lelouch's cheek, his thumb massaging the skin beneath Lelouch's left eye.

It was the first of his eyes claimed by the power of the king. Eventually, his ambitions as Zero had driven his Geass to surpass his body's boundaries. Now Lelouch had no control over it so he relied on artificial methods to smother the demons inside of him.

Lelouch vi Britannia's eyes were already starting to burn with the urge to command … _Don't let this night end. _"Suzaku …"

"Am I interrupting something?"

Suzaku and Lelouch jerked away from each other, both of them whipping to face the door. _C.C._

The green-haired witch was loitering by the divisor, eating a _slice of pizza_, of all things. Her amber gaze stared at them with infuriating aloofness.

Then Lelouch realized he was standing with Suzaku _naked_ and immediately sunk down in the water. C.C. continued to eat her pizza.

Suzaku must have figured it was a good idea because he gasped and did the same. "U-uh, Miss C.C., I am _so_ sorry —"

C.C. did not seem to care.

Suzaku hissed into Lelouch's ear. "I thought you locked the door!"

"I did!" Lelouch hissed back.

Without missing a bite, C.C. held up a lockpick in her free hand. A corner of her lip curled up.

_Cursed witch._ "What are you doing here?" Lelouch demanded. "Can't you see we're busy?"

"I ordered Pizza Hut," C.C. said. "I came to tell you that if you want some, it's getting cold."

"You _ordered_ — I was nearly _assassinated_ today —"

"You can try, but you can't out-pizza the Hut."

"That's not even how it _goes!_ Also does it not occur to you that privacy is a thing?"

C.C. bit to the crust and shrugged. Suzaku awkwardly cleared his throat.

"Well," Lelouch said, feeling a _little_ guilty for snapping, "you can have all the pizza you want. Thank you."

The woman hummed, glaring down her nose at both of them. "If you love each other so much, then kiss already."

_Huh? _C.C. walked out the door.

Suzaku ducked entirely underwater, blowing bubbles and pretending to choke. _Pretending_ because Suzaku would save himself before something happened, but Lelouch found his hands darting to pull Suzaku out anyway. His fingers closed over the toned muscles of Suzaku's arms.

When Suzaku came back up, coughing theatrically, Lelouch's embarrassment fizzled into exasperation.

"You _idiot!_ There are Jacuzzi settings if you need bubbles that bad," Lelouch grinned, still holding onto him. "All this just because I took my contacts off! You probably _did_ look like you were going to kiss me!" Due to his nerves, his words came out involuntarily.

However, Suzaku burst into laughter, sporting a sheepish grin. The hint of mischief in his expression teased Lelouch to keep going.

Nothing was stopping him, so Lelouch cupped Suzaku's left cheek as he had done. _Warm._ Lelouch smirked, leaning as close as he dared, and batted his eyelashes. "_Suzaku …_"

Suzaku's blush reddened, but instead of laughing, his frown returned. "Can I admit something?" he said. "I often have impure thoughts regarding you. Lately more than ever."

Lelouch's brows furrowed, his pulse jumping. "Impure in what way?"

"Sometimes I catch myself thinking I should be happy to kill you," Suzaku murmured. "I wanted to kill you. If I ended your life, I'd finally get to end mine. For Euphy and all those hurt by Geass. What a relief it would be."

It seemed Suzaku's skin was hotter than the water around them. Lelouch wondered if he should pull away, but Suzaku leaned into him.

"No, Lelouch … I lied," Suzaku said. "I wanted to kill _Zero_. I wanted to kill the emperor of Britannia. I … never wanted to kill you."

Lelouch smiled gently. "I know." It felt amazing to hear Suzaku open up. Their return of intimacy comforted Lelouch. He'd missed —

"I'm not finished," Suzaku said. "A part of me still resents you for ordering me to live."

Lelouch's happiness dulled. "I could have ordered you to escape with me. You would have carried out my command and been free to throw your life away as you pleased. Many times over, you interfered with my plans, but I _deliberately_ made openings for you so we could reunite," Lelouch said. "I told you to live because I love you. I didn't want you to get hurt or deny yourself a future. I wanted to create a world for the both of us and Nunnally to live in _together_. I couldn't let you smother that hope for the sake of redemption."

_But I only delayed the inevitable._

Lelouch watched with some confusion as Suzaku placed his hand over Lelouch's, holding it flush to his cheek. Again, Suzaku reached over and caressed the left side of Lelouch's face. He ignored the opportunity to talk about the contradictions, ignored everything but Lelouch.

Lelouch felt his mouth go dry. _Suzaku?_

"That brings me to another point." Suzaku's emerald eyes darkened. "My impure thoughts. You see, Lelouch … I _also_ love you. The other parts of me — no, _every_ part of me loves you."

Friendship … it wasn't supposed to feel like this. As if every cell in Lelouch's body had awakened, his mind going dizzy — was it the hot water? But no, Suzaku was clear in Lelouch's vision.

Much more handsome, much more genuine, a phoenix of smoldering passion that Lelouch had noticed before but physically never experienced so near. It would be a lie to say Lelouch hadn't had a handful of impure thoughts about Suzaku over the years. Though those had always stayed _thoughts_, harmless ways to humor himself and his hormones.

Never this manifest. Never this _tangible _and _real_ and touching him with such tenderness. Lelouch knew that wasn't the feeling of friendship.

It wasn't the feeling of duty between an emperor and his knight.

It wasn't the feeling of a revolutionary and a protector.

It wasn't the feeling of a boy and his childhood playmate.

It was a forbidden feeling, a desperate feeling, a feeling Lelouch hadn't acknowledged existed until that second — the second their eyes met, their bare bodies inching closer, their hands holding so much bottled up affection with only a short while to share it.

Lelouch rested his free hand over Suzaku's, mirroring him. _It doesn't have to be forbidden._ He knew there was nothing wrong with how he felt for Suzaku, and it appeared Suzaku was getting the same idea.

Relief painted Suzaku's features when Lelouch began to smile.

"Love is nothing to be ashamed of," Lelouch said. "Like I said, my wish is to spend my last days by your side. You understand me better than anyone. You've made so much of my life worth living, and you'll do the same for the world after I'm gone. I love you completely, Suzaku." Definitely cheesy.

But Lelouch didn't mind. When one had to fit in a lifetime's worth of love in a matter of months or weeks, cheesiness was to be expected.

"You … Lelouch, you don't know how hard it will be for me to live without you," Suzaku said. "I feel so selfish for thinking it. I know there's not much we can do besides keep going with Zero Requiem … but it's going to kill me forever to drive that blade through your heart."

"Perhaps the superstitious are right when they say you'll haunt your loved ones if you die with unfinished business," Lelouch said. "I propose a solution: let's finish our business tonight. We can be happy when we meet again in our next life."

"Lelouch, I _won't_ be happy if you die," Suzaku said. He let go of Lelouch's hand, cupping both sides of Lelouch's face in earnest. "I know this has to happen. I know. But it's not what I want."

"What do you want?" Lelouch asked softly. _I want us to have no regrets about our choice._

Suzaku's mouth opened to speak, but he shut it soon after. He considered something, searching for an answer in Lelouch's unnatural gaze. The air between them was thick with anticipation.

_There is nothing we cannot accomplish together._ Lelouch left his hopes unspoken, his heart racing, his breath catching in his throat. Suzaku took a step closer.

Lelouch could have moved away if he wanted. All it would have taken was an order, a protest, a push. But Lelouch did none of those things. He shut his eyes.

Their noses brushed together. Suzaku hovered over Lelouch's lips, waiting there so long that Lelouch opened his eyes. _What?_

Suzaku's green gaze watched him, transfixed. Suzaku was blushing, bare centimeters away from kissing Lelouch.

"What are you doing?" Lelouch asked.

"Looking at you. I'm sorry, you're just usually so dominant," Suzaku said with a smile. "But you looked so precious that I couldn't help staring."

Lelouch huffed, grinning. He continued to caress Suzaku's cheek, but his other hand reached to finger through the wet curls of Suzaku's hair. It sent ripples of heat down to Lelouch's core. "Don't make me kiss you first."

Suzaku laughed, moving in to nuzzle Lelouch again. His voice dropped to a low murmur. "Yes, Your Majesty."

The next time Lelouch shut his eyes, he was rewarded with the warm press of Suzaku's lips on his. _We're kissing._ Lelouch responded, hugging Suzaku tight to himself. _Yes._ They kept at it until Lelouch's lungs burned, his everything drowning in Suzaku's presence. _Suzaku. I'm kissing Suzaku._

When Suzaku pulled back for air, Lelouch was panting, torn between which of Suzaku's hands to lean into, or perhaps if he should tug him closer for another kiss. But Suzaku seemed to know what he was doing, and they were kissing again.

Lelouch's tongue tasted Suzaku then, a brief lick that melted what little strength Lelouch had left. _Suzaku. _He sucked in a quick breath when they parted, if only to sustain himself for more. Lelouch kissed Suzaku with his mouth open and dug his fingers deep into his hair.

Suzaku invited himself into Lelouch's mouth. Suzaku's tongue tested his boundaries — the sensation foreign and addicting. Their kissing grew deeper and more heated. Pleasure shot into Lelouch, rendering his mind dizzy and useless. _Suzaku. _"S-suza— Suzaku …"

"Y-yes?" Suzaku let go of him, his hands sliding down to rest at Lelouch's shoulders.

Lelouch's hands also dropped. He traced Suzaku's cheek, his fingers trailing lines through his flushed skin. The sight of such a beautiful man standing before him, their warmth, the lingering taste of their kisses, the electricity flooding Lelouch's senses — he was in a daze with it. Dizzy in love.

Very dizzy.

"Su-suzaku, I —"

"Lelouch, we're getting out of the pool." Suzaku tried to take his hands off Lelouch's shoulders, but when Lelouch stumbled, Suzaku gripped him harder to steady him. "We really shouldn't have turned the water so hot …"

_You're hot — _Lelouch scowled when they began to climb the staircase. His vision was spinning, a headache splitting his happiness apart. Lelouch noticed how chilly the air was compared to the water. _Compared to Suzaku … _

All of a sudden, he felt an arm reach underneath his rear. Suzaku lifted Lelouch out of the water bridal-style, holding him securely against his chest.

"Wh-why are you …?" Lelouch stammered, hugging Suzaku around his neck. "I'm fine —"

"I don't want you to pass out," Suzaku said. "How about we take a cool shower …"

Lelouch hoped Suzaku didn't notice he was — well, not having the easiest time cooling down. But instead of the shower, Suzaku set Lelouch gently on a lounging chair. Suzaku left for a moment to pick up their towels off the floor and turn the pool's temperature down.

Lelouch found himself staring, but Suzaku caught his gaze and smiled. _He's comfortable with me._ Or — Lelouch realized with flustering difficulty — Suzaku had begun staring as well.

Suzaku placed the folded towel with Lelouch's contacts carefully on another chair and offered Lelouch his own. "Here, unless you'd rather me get you a new towel?"

Lelouch adjusted so his … so he was in a more proper position and accepted Suzaku's towel. He laid it over his body, relieving in the cold. The return of modesty provided mixed feelings, but his dizziness faded slightly.

Suzaku sat facing Lelouch. His voice was sweet and breathy when he spoke. "How long have you felt the same?" he asked.

Lelouch wiped at the sweat on his brow, thankful for the towel. Thankful for Suzaku. "Ah. I … never thought about it too much," he confessed. "Truthfully, I've known since we were kids that I loved you. Apart from Nunnally, you were the most important person to me. You were just always so out of reach that anything … more than friendship felt … unreal."

Suzaku considered him. He was holding back a frown, though his eyes were happy. "I … I've always admired you too, ever since we got to know each other. I loved you like myself. When you left, I often dreamed of seeing you."

"I did the same," Lelouch said. "Nunnally and I both did."

"Yes, but … I was so consumed by my guilt that I didn't realize I was falling in love with you," Suzaku said. "Back when we were fighting and I found out you and Zero were the same person … it pained me because I wanted to believe in you. I could have killed you. I thought I _should_ have. But I turned you in and stayed with you overseas because I loved the man inside of you. I … not only did I miss the Lelouch I knew, but I saw him in you, and I … _wanted_ him. You. I wanted you."

"I'm yours now," Lelouch said.

Suzaku smiled, sighing. His eyes were tired. "If you're mine, then don't leave me … Lelouch …"

"Y-you …" Lelouch grinned, tears welling in his vision. "You _moron_. Suzaku, how dare you pull that on me."

"Worth a try?"

Lelouch shook his head, the tears pouring out against his will. He wiped at them, laughing silently. _I'm a moron too._ Lelouch squeezed his eyes shut, his smile widening. _How dare I want to live? How dare I kiss him?_

_It'll hurt more when we part._

Lelouch's head whipped up. He didn't sense Suzaku move, but Suzaku hugged him from behind. _Foolish._ Lelouch leaned into him. Suzaku kissed the top of his head. _I'm sorry._

"I love you," Suzaku said. "Thank you for today, Lelouch. I'm glad you opened up to me."

Lelouch reached for Suzaku, his hands tangling in his damp hair. Affection caused Lelouch's tears to keep coming, but he arched upwards and gave Suzaku a peck on the lips. Suzaku hugged Lelouch tighter.

_What a sight this must be._ Lelouch relaxed after a couple more smooches. The bliss of kissing Suzaku was unparalleled, in spite of the lingering threat of loss. No matter the limit on time, having Suzaku was ever sweeter.

Agonizing to lose. But very much worth having.

"I love you," Lelouch said. He turned in Suzaku's hold, getting on his knees so he could fully wrap his arms around him. Lelouch smiled, tears running freely, and rested his forehead on his love's. Yes, his love's. "I'm beyond grateful, Suzaku Kururugi. I'm going to be able to die knowing you love me. The greatest honor."

"I told you. _Please_ stop joking about your death," Suzaku said. "Let me live my fantasy without having to bawl, thank you."

"Until our last day, you may live your fantasy whenever you wish," Lelouch said with a smile. "Call upon me, kiss me, even sleep with me —"

Suzaku choked, turning beet-red to his ears. "L-lelouch!"

"Granted, it may be difficult with C.C. and Jeremiah barging in all the time, and we do have that UFN meeting that I'll need you sharp for —"

Suzaku shut him up with a kiss. Lelouch moaned. _Suzaku_. _I love you._

They pulled away, but instead of quitting, Suzaku bent to kiss the corners of Lelouch's mouth, peppering his cheeks and neck with smooches. Lelouch melted, stealing kisses at Suzaku's lips, his collarbone, any part he could reach.

They were a breathless mess when they finished. At some point, Suzaku had either wiped or kissed Lelouch's tears away.

Lelouch laughed. "The two most powerful men in the world, no better than lovesick children. I suppose it's not so bad."

"Not quite," Suzaku said, green eyes glimmering. He embraced Lelouch, resting across his shoulders. "We may not be lovesick children, but we've definitely got it bad."

"Getting sappy now?" Lelouch chuckled.

Suzaku winked, his voice carrying a lilt of joy that had been missing before. "We've waited long enough already."

* * *

**Thanks for reading. Suzalulu is my OTP but it's especially tragic and cute to me since it's a ship of conflicted friends. The devotion is fun to write, if not terribly difficult. I want this to be a clean-as-possible one-shot, but I may write a second part someday if I feel up to it and people have a demand to see it.**

**Also before you go, I'd like to advertise a work in progress project I'm working on with a friend. Since Code Geass is an old fandom (and I'm way late), the readership has majorly died out, but 9Jou10 and I are concocting a longer, possibly less shippy, more serious Code Geass fanfiction. It'll be an AU where Marianne died a natural death, therefore causing Lelouch to live as a prince, never having met Suzaku or developed his burning hatred of Britannia. As of today, it won't be a romantic fanfic, but the narrative focuses on their dynamic as friends . . . however one day, it may be a Suzalulu, perhaps. Undecided.**

**We aren't planning to release it for a while, maybe even several months ahead, so if you're interested please follow me and/or 9Jou10 (haven't decided who's posting, more likely me). Or look out for the updates, I guess.**


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